In March I turned 25. I've been grappling with that number all year. 25 seems old to me. Not elderly, or middle age. Just old enough. Old enough to know better. Old enough to have your stuff together. Old enough to be an complete adult in all facets and old enough to be judged for mistakes and shortcoming. This freaks me out because inside I still feel so immature. I've been wrestling with the whole "inner me who is still a child" while trying to be a grown up responsible adult since I had my daughter. Turning 25 has just compounded it.
I read when I was a teenager that people hit their physical apex at 25. You continue to grow and get stronger, but after 25 you slowly become weaker. That's always scared me and might explain why hitting this number has had such a profound effect on my life. As a result I've had a weird, nuanced quarter life crisis this year that's permeated everything I do. What am I doing? What have I accomplished? Am I in the right place?
For example the physical apex thing... It got me really into fitness over the summer. In my head it kept repeating "I have to get fit now because it only gets harder from here! This is the most in shape I'll ever be able to be, I can't waste this!" and visions of Sylvester Stallone from Rocky 6 flash in my head.
In some ways this has been a fulfilling year. I've accomplished a lot, more than the last three combined, though a lot of that is that my daughter is no longer a baby and my time has freed up slightly. (And the postpartum depression has lifted which kept me down longer than I'd like to admit.)
I built a new database for work. from scratch! I'd never made a database or programmed before. I knew nothing about Access when I started but after flailing about with instruction books and internet tutorials for a few months a working, stable database emerged. That felt awesome.
I helped Matt build a desktop computer. I thought I'd feel more accomplished on that one but now that I've done it I see how easy it is... I lost a bunch of weight this year, but I'm not sure I can claim that as a accomplishment because what started as a healthy weight loss strategy quickly devolved into a slight eating disorder. I'm still working on that one.
Since high school I've had a dream of writing a webcomic. I never did it because I feel like I'm not good enough. But this year I sucked it up and decided to give it a real try. It's not up yet and I won't be announcing it when it is. But it's been fulfilling to work on.
Amidst all this I've also been thinking a lot about my mental health. I've finally accepted that I have social anxiety and it's time to do something about it. I'm going to stop wondering why I'm so broken and just work on getting better. A major part of the anxiety is being fearful of being judged and it paralyzes me in many social situations.
Anyway at the beginning of September I got into a book kick. (probably because Matt went back to school and I get jealous) But all I want to do it learn and devour books with interesting topics. I've been reading my old social psychology textbook, The Drunkards Walk, Incognito, Immediate Fiction and I have a few more I'm waiting to arrive. If you have any suggestions of books that had profound impacts on your life, let me know in the comments.
So overall it's been a really interesting year of uncertainty and self discovery. But with a year so self-focused I feel like a horrible and selfish person.
So an update on the blog content: I started this blog for crochet stuff mostly but lately I can't crochet. I sit down to work on stuff and I stop after 5 minutes. Crochet used to be a major part of my life but lately it doesn't hold my interest. I've decided to put it on the back burner, take a break. Focus on other things for awhile. Keep finding myself. Keep trying to grow up. We'll see where I end up.